Confidence in yourself is key.
introduction – riding is difficult
As I write this anecdote I am sitting in an old Portuguese farmhouse listening to the cows & birds outside my window. It’s the afternoon, and I have completed most of the things I wanted to do today. I woke up on time, made my bed, drank a glass of water (and a coffee!), put on my favourite podcast & went out the door at 6:55 am to start the morning horse related chores. After chores and breakfast, I rode 2 horses & recorded notes for each session including what we worked on, the progress from the last training session, and what the next one might look like. I fed the horses & tidied up the barn & after lunch I rode another horse and fit in some time to work on my “seat” & also completed the followup notes. Afterwards I had a 1 on 1 coaching session with a friend and horse. I helped them work on their confidence, mindfulness and intention while riding. After the evening chores, shower & dinner I did some stretching and strengthening before listening to some peaceful, guided meditation recordings.
So this is my usual day & routine for the last few years.. exercising, schooling or reconditioning older horses, training young horses, coaching people & doing things everyday that I love. I have worked hard to get here with many bumps in the road, and still I see a long, bumpy and windy road ahead of me.. I haven’t always been confident that I was on the right path or that I was going to be able to achieve what I wanted.
Doubt, frustration, hopelessness, despair, fear, anxiety, sadness. I had more than my fair share of these emotions during the first few years of my journey to become a horse trainer.
I believed that I couldn’t do anything.. ..the utter hopelessness and exhaustion from wanting to ride better and not getting anywhere took over and collapsed me from the inside out.
At one point I remember just stopping in the middle of a schooling session with a young horse, in front of several experienced riders & trainers, dropping the reins & slouching with my hands covering my face to hide the fact that the tears could no longer be held by my bottom eyelid. “I just can’t do it,” I said. “I don’t know why, but I can’t do it.” And I believed that right then. I believed that I could not do “it” and right now, “it” was all of it – everything! I believed that I couldn’t do anything, that I would always struggle, and nothing would ever be easy and the utter hopelessness and exhaustion from wanting to ride better and not getting anywhere took over and collapsed me from the inside out.
I went away for a couple of weeks soon after that and I made sure that I acknowledged that I needed the break. I needed to decompress. For quite a long time I had been starting my day believing that I was not good enough. Every day I worried about failing in the eyes of others. I worried about failing and “messing up” the horse. Even though I practiced exercises religiously, I didn’t seem to improve much. At times I got worse. I consistently compared my progress to other riders. I compared my horses to others’ horses. Basically I beat myself up and worried myself into an anxious ball that effected my mood, attitude, energy & motivation. And I also felt like I was in a race against time. Why couldn’t I improve faster? If I practice more, shouldn’t I be improving more?
Even though I practiced exercises religiously, I didn’t seem to improve much.
When I got back from my break, I decided that I needed to make a change. I couldn’t continue to live in this toxic way. I spent the next 6 months jumping to a couple of different young horse sales barns & continued to experience the same toxic environment. Waking up not wanting to face the day, getting frustrated with myself and the horses, and being so stressed at times that I felt physically ill. After the third place I threw in the towel.. I walked out after the owner swore at me and never looked back. I moved into a nice place surrounded by like-minded people & unknowingly put myself back on the path to do the things that I had set out to do 5 years before…
Fast forward a few months and not only am I more confident and happy, I am actually doing exactly what I wanted to do & what I was determined to do 6 years ago. It’s only the beginning, and there will be so much more to live through and love. I don’t know if those extremely difficult years were necessary, but they did help me draw very firm boundaries and to see many aspects of the horse world in black and white. There’s not much greying of values from where I am standing now.
I don’t know if those extremely difficult years were necessary, but they did help me draw very firm boundaries..
The key thing for me was getting out of the toxic environments and into a supportive one. It was only after this that I could begin to relax and allow myself to be.. myself. As soon as I made space for myself in the world, acknowledged & accepted my level of riding experience, accepted my weaknesses & celebrated my strengths, allowed myself time to fail, and gave myself all the time that I needed – I started to improve. I started to gain confidence.
I continued to work hard – this was not the time to sit back and pat myself on the back for too long! Now that I was in the right space and right mindframe, first I doubled down on my framework for self improvement. I spent every spare moment reading, reading, reading, anything & everything that I was interested in; I listened to many different podcasts; I talked – a lot – to other industry professionals; I did a LOT of thinking; I committed to VISUALISING exercises: myself doing the exercises and the horse performing the exercises; I commited to working out, stretching and addressing my own imbalances & biomechanics; and I vowed to identify within myself the areas I needed to improve & to focus on these one at a time.
As soon as I accepted my weaknesses & celebrated my strengths, allowed myself time to fail, and gave myself all the time that I needed – I started
to improve.
After a couple of months I felt like I began unlocking things in my body and my mind that had been there for a while wanting to come out. I started to feel happy after riding, and proud and grateful also. And even when I had a less than spectacular ride, I noticed that instead of feeling despair, I felt only hope & excitement for the next ride as I was certain it would be better. I began helping others and sharing what I had learned through my own journey of hope, despair & rediscovery – and I realised that everyone is going through exactly what I am going through or went through – and that we can all help each other.
This is what horse riding is about. This is the journey with horses. Riding horses is difficult, but it is rewarding if you stay humble, positive, and always act in the best interest of the horse. If you find yourself in despair, or feeling hopeless or incompetent – ask yourself where that is coming from and how you can change that. This journey with horses that we are privileged to be a part of should be full of joy. Challenges should not make us feel like lesser human beings.. they should each time re-ignite the passion to learn & discover, to design new pathways to improvement, & to grow as horse partners.
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”
– Winston Churchill
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Thinking Feeling Equestrian 